12 Surefire Steps to Make a Big Splash in the Blogging Toilet

Yeah, you read the title correctly. I have seen many bloggers sharing different ways to improve upon your blogs, build readership, earn money and overall succeed in the blogosphere. With all of this information at our fingertips, it still amazes me how many bloggers seem content on disrupting the natural flow of their blogs, throwing them in a downward spiral to rest in their final place at the bottom of the blog bone yard. If you are one that suffers from these masochistic tendencies, you should flourish from this article. On the other hand should you feel no need to re-invent the wheel, as the circular shape seems to work well for most of us, use this list as a learning tool for things to avoid as you embark on an expedition through virtual space.

Here Are Your 12 Important Steps Towards a Fantastic Flop!

1. Don’t write new content! Please, whatever you do don’t add content to your blog on a regular basis. Nobody likes to come to your blog and find new articles every time they get there. Why try so hard?
2. Don’t respond to comments! Just because they left a comment on your post, doesn’t mean you know them. Why respond to some yahoo you’ve never met before, its just beneath you.
3. Why write something original? If you have followed step 1, this step is a given. People don’t want to hear fresh, original ideas that they can use to learn and grow. The real secret to blogging is repeating everything thousands of other bloggers are talking about, word for word. Even better just copy it right from their page and you might get 10 bonus points for superior lack of originality.
4. Who needs promotion? Whats the point in promoting yourself, that is so overrated. What do you care if somebody finds your blog, didn’t want them there anyway. Submitting your blog to social networks and directories might require a little work and lets face it, if you wanted to work you would not be blogging. Besides that you loved your job at the Burger Shack and they gave you free french fries. What more could you ask for?
5. Don’t get involved! Some blogger found the one useful piece of information you wrote by accident and included it in a stupid network of some sort. Now all of these losers are talking about you, and want to know your thoughts. Give me a break, if you wanted to share your thoughts you would go to a psychiatrist. My advice, just ignore them and go back to surfing the web.
6. Why care what other people are writing? So what if one of the other bloggers wrote a good article. Were not here for them. They didn’t leave any encouraging comments on your site. Don’t remember them shooting you a nice email to say good job. So why do that for them. Even better, write an article trashing them about their writing skills and send it to all the bookmarking services. That is sure to get your deserved attention.
7. Be yourself when writing emails! Dude, is always a good alternative to Sir or even their actual name. Always start your emails out with “What’s up dude” and you are sure to impress even the most modest readers.
8. Include as many curse words on your pages as you can! The readers will flock to your blog, because they have never heard these words before. This makes a bold statement, especially when seeking advertisers and guest writers. Who could ask for anything more, this has all the goodness of blogging with the atmosphere of your local bar. Come to think of it, Lets all blog drunk!
9. Be an authority! Just because you have been blogging part-time for a whole week, doesn’t mean you know less than other bloggers, of course not. So what if they have spent years writing blogs, they still don’t know as much as you do, what idiots!
10. Make sure to include the iPhone! Who cares if nothing even remotely exciting has happened with it since the initial release date. You are not a true blogger until you write at least one iPhone article a week. See step 3 to keep your writing as unoriginal as possible.
11. Write in slang! Do I even have to explain this one? Even better include step 8 on curse words for an award winning combination. These two steps are sure to show off your creative talents and Ivy League education.
12. Bring it all together! Incorporate anything you can think of to make your blog suck a little bit more! After all, you are a go getter so let no good thing go unmodified and everyone is sure to be impressed.

Congratulations! If you have already incorporated these twelve steps into your business plan you are well on your way to a better life. For all of you other people not using these crucial tips, I give you my best regards and hope that someday you will come to your senses and realize what you could have had!